I will never forget my 3rd grade school year. I was one of the lucky ones who displayed exceptional character and got picked to be my grade’s “conflict manager.” I, along with three others, had the esteemed honor of wearing bright green vests over our clothes at recess every single day. Needless to say I was quite the trendsetter when it came to fashion. This was part of a national initiative to end bullying in grade schools. My role was to help two or more individuals in disagreement understand both sides and come to terms and forgive one another.
We were trained in what to say and communicate in hopes of finding resolution at the end. We had ground rules that were explained and things they would have to agree to as we talk. Things like not interrupting, not using bad language, and so on. Believe it or not that was the easiest part. I ended up mediating probably 15 fights that year and help my fellow classmates “hug and make up.” Looking back, the hardest part of each conflict was always the conclusion.
In all of those instances we would end with a promise to go and show the same forgiveness to others that they both experienced. I would go through my little speech on this and they would roll their eyes and say “yea yea I get it, I have to forgive just like I was forgiven. We get it Noah.” Needless to say, I wasn’t really the cool kid in third grade. Even despite my huge collection of pogs. Click here to see what these were.
The Hardest Part About Being Forgiven
Twenty two years have passed since I was a conflict manager on the mean streets of Suffield Elementary in Ohio. However I find myself in very similar situations as a pastor. I often help people come together, reconcile, and demonstrate grace and forgiveness when it seems impossible. Sure the problems and issues have changed but the hardest part of the entire process has not.
I am convinced that we as followers of Christ (let alone humanity) struggle very much with showing grace and forgiveness even after we have experienced it ourselves. That same thread of hypocrisy runs deep whether its on the playground or in adulthood. We can embrace forgiveness but hesitate to extend it. We can hear I am sorry a lot easier than we can say it.
Jesus was a fan of forgiving others. In fact he thought it was so important he said this:
14 “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. 15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins. Mat 6:14-15 NLT
I have heard this verse preached on and written about on many occasions. Sadly the powerful potency of what is being said is stuffed with exceptions and excuses. “Well if such and such did this… or… If the sin was so grievous then…” There is a strong temptation to pacify what Jesus meant to be bold. You know what I think should follow it? This:__________________. Nothing. We should take it for what it is and wrestle with it.
There are times when we need to allow the words of Jesus hit us square in the eyes and challenge us at our deepest places. Being a forgiving person is one of those. We, as followers of Jesus, are to be forgiving people because we of all people have experienced the tremendous joy of that very same forgiveness. This is the hardest part about forgiveness; its never cheap.
Forgiveness is Not an Emotion
I was talking to someone a few years ago who genuinely wanted to forgive her husband who had abused her. She wanted to forgive him like this verse says and move on with her life. She talked to me and with tears explained how she felt she was not forgiving him because the emotions were still very raw and difficult for her. She then asked me if she truly forgives even if she feels hatred and anger.
I explained to her that forgiveness is not an emotion. It is an act. It is difficult and takes humility. Saying “I forgive you” does not take away the memory or emotion involved. Forgiving is a process that takes time to develop to where the emotions come into alignment with the reality of our will in showing forgiveness. There is still common sense involved and we may choose to forgive someone but still flee from them for practical reasons such as sanity, safety, or any other reason. There are even times when we may have to forgive from a distance because of the seriousness of the situation.
Forgive and Forget
Short side note: we would do well as the body of Christ to do away with the phrase “forgive and forget.” That completely takes away the beauty and depth of forgiveness. I understand Paul in 1 Corinthians 13 says, “Keep no record of wrongs.” This is in the context of hanging ones faults and bad deeds over the head of the other. This is different.
Forgiveness, the kind that we experience in Christ (click here for more on this) and are to extend to others, is an act that says “I see this [insert offence or grievance] and I want you to know that I am forgiving you for [insert offence or grievance].” Paul explains this same thing to the church at Rome regarding Jesus and us as sinners. He says, ” While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 NIV.
Do you noticed what came first? Our sin. Our grievance. Our offenses towards God. What followed? Forgiveness and grace. Paul never says, “Christ died for all of you!” Person in crowd says, “Why? For what?” Paul replies, “I don’t know and he doesn’t either!” No. This would be foolish. Real forgiveness acknowledges the pain involved and stares it straight in the eyes and says, “I forgive you.”
Real forgiveness acknowledges the pain caused rather than forgetting it.Yes its hard. Yes it takes time.
Forgiving is hard work. Never easy. But always freeing. Trust me. When you choose to withhold forgiveness you are the one who suffers more in the end than the one who caused the hurt.
What do you feel the hardest part about forgiving others is? Feel free to take the poll below. This will give us a window into the struggle of forgiving others.